With numerous responsibilities, a day specially marked aside for me to be disciplined in prayer is exactly what I need. It's a chance for me to stop. Sit at His feet. Pray for the needs of others instead of being consumed by my own. In the past two years of participating, I made a point to pray any time I thought of food. This was to ensure I wasn't simply distracting myself when I felt a hunger pang. I wanted to turn a moment of weakness into a time of prayer for the kids that re:ACTS works to serve. It was a time to inwardly reflect on how so many must yearn for basic needs on a daily basis.
This year, however, was quite different for me. I still prayed the night before as I had in years past. I prayed that God would be glorified. Not only that He would provide for the kids and move in their hearts to know Him, but that God would move in the hearts of those who heard about the fast. That others would be moved to support or get involved in the ministry. Lastly, to prepare my heart and mind for the next day to pray diligently throughout the day.
When I awoke, I was launched into a whirlwind of a day. With my raw honey and lemon in hand, I had water by my side at all times. However, I was just so consumed by my day. I went from phone call to email back to phone call. I trained new hires. When conflicts arose at work, I stayed in my corner in arguments and didn't even allow the Spirit to control what I said. I didn't speak out of love or show grace or mercy. I just took care of everything the way I saw fit and the way I thought was most logical. I had an itinerary of events to fulfill and was determined to get it done. Through all that chaos, I wasn't even hungry. I just kept making cups and cups of honey water and was so distracted that I didn't even feel hungry. No hunger pains = no prayer. When I got home, I played with the girls, put them to bed, and crashed at 9pm. Didn't wake up until past midnight.
As I reflected on the day, there was glaring evidence that I had been unaware of my own wrongdoing of self-reliance. I couldn't even find a moment to pray during the day because I was content to push through the day in my own strength. In my own haste, I didn't even allow God's voice or Word to penetrate through to my heart. I just didn't give it a chance. I was too busy. Honestly, I didn't feel hungry all day. Before I knew it, I made it through the day not eating without any problems and the day completely escaped me.
I thought about how I would basically write a post about how I didn't do a very great job on my fasting day. Maybe it wouldn't be a good idea to have a post since I didn't accomplish much. Not a moment revealed through prayer or an opportunity taken to share with another. I realized, though, that God had spoken to me despite my failure to come to Him asking for it. In the aftermath of it all, God showed me how easily I could be in the habit of relying on my own strength and knowledge and failing to draw upon His true and unfailing strength and wisdom. My own abilities aren't going to sustain me in the long run. I thought an experience modeling how I was able to pray often for the kids would be most glorifying. Turns out that it was in my inability to do just that, that I was able to hear what He's been longing for me to see about myself. His strength is made perfect in weakness but first I needed to be reminded that I was weak in the first place.
Adrienne Jang :)